If the title resonates with you, then read on! As long as you are being super ‘helpful’ or ‘nice’ at the expense of your own wellbeing, then you probably are a people pleaser. If your needs always come last and you struggle with boundaries, then you are a people pleaser. If you always feel responsible for others’ emotions, then you are a people pleaser. If you apologize to the extreme, then you are a people pleaser. If you struggle to say no and you are neglecting yourself, then you are a people pleaser. Start becoming a recovering people pleaser with this guide!
The roots of people pleasing behavior generally go back to learned behavior from earlier life. Unbeknownst to those stuck in it, the purpose of being a people pleaser is to try to manage disapproval, gain external validation and generally make up for not feeling good enough. Most of us want to be kind and help others we care about. This is great when balanced with our self-care, and comes from an emotionally insightful place, rather than a place that can lead to resentment and self-sacrifice. If ‘kindness’ is wrapped up with a bow, to cover up low self-esteem, and is detrimental to you, then it’s time to modify how you are showing up for yourself and others. You don’t have to keep making it better for everyone else whilst putting your needs at the bottom of the pile, feeling resentful and creating negative relationships.
The good news is you CAN do something about this. There are ways to move forward from this. It’s time to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It takes time, effort and practice. You are worth it and only you can change it!
Tips to let go of being a people pleaser and embracing your worth:
Create healthy boundaries. Those around you may not understand the changes you are making.
Clearly and directly let those around you know what your boundaries are, and stick to them. This doesn’t need to be aggressively done because you are feeling defensive and uncomfortable with the changes. Explain where you are coming from, from a place of care for yourself and others.
Use gentle reminders for you and others.
Accept, without guilt, that others may struggle, be disappointed or disapproving (things that may have led to this behavior in the first place).
Stick to your boundaries. It will get easier with time.
Be aware of how you feel and your needs. Are you feeling angry or resentful? If so, be proactive, not reactive.
Realize when you are creating this behavior. No one is making you be that way in the
present.
Increase assertiveness daily. Start taking steps!
Learn what self-care means for you and start living it.
Learning to say No!
Start asking yourself why you are agreeing to something that is not good for you. Are you feeling you SHOULD, or do you want to, do something? Are you feeling resentful about it?
Figure out what you do want and what you do want to say yes to.
Own your voice & needs by using ‘I’ more.
Stop over apologizing and over explaining.
Give yourself space and time to think before responding, to figure out if this is actually damaging or you genuinely want to help.
Try offering an alternative. I can’t do that, but I can do this.
Value Yourself
Start recognizing when you are looking for external validation, and how this can drive people pleasing behavior.
Start caring for yourself. Reframe self-care as important for your wellbeing. Self-care for me is a good cup of tea or being at the beach!
Challenge negative self-talk. At this point in my life, how true is the negative self-talk?
Get a reality check. What is true about the story I am telling myself at this moment?
Start recognizing you are good enough. You are worthy. You are deserving of healthy boundaries.
Give yourself grace. It’s ok that not everyone approves. Start approving of yourself. It’s ok to slip up. Keep moving forward.
Figure out your values and build boundaries around them.
Acknowledge when you stick to boundaries, have self-awareness, apologize less, own your behavior and your voice.
Let go of guilt. It’s only keeping you stuck in people pleasing. See your worth as essential, not selfish. Replace guilt talk with positive talk about you.
Evaluate relationships – do they stay, go or can you introduce boundaries?
Start knowing what you want, don’t want & what is important.
Just as you are responsible for your own emotions, others are also responsible for their emotions.
Develop Insight into Kindness vs People Pleasing
Make sure your kindness is genuine, and not from the need for approval and validation, or to avoid rejection or disapproval.
Be aware that genuine kindness doesn’t compromise your needs. Check in with yourself.
People pleasing can lead to you feeling resentment, behaving like a martyr, and bitterness and anger. Be aware of what you are feeling. Only you can change your behavior to change your feelings.
Genuine kindness is about respecting you and the other person, and allows for collaboration.
People pleasing can be a behavior that carries on and on. Sometimes it never goes. Realizing you are responsible for your wellbeing and your behavior is the first step. No one can, or will, change this for you. You are more than capable of changing this yourself. Get out of feeling persecuted and empower yourself to have healthier relationships with yourself and those around you. If you feel you need help with anything mentioned in the blog, please schedule a free discovery call with me, and let’s see how life coaching can really help you make the shift.
Laura is a professional, certified life coach. She is passionate about helping people get unstuck & out of their own way. She is a collaborative & heart-based life coach. As a previous therapist, and now coach-for-life, Laura brings deep insight, experience and appreciation for people with diverse challenges. If you are looking for a coach to help you shine in the world, then reach out for a free discovery call, to see how coaching with Laura could help you. https://www.laurahaywoodcoaching.com
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